turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
