I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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