you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
