Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Randomize
