Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
