i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
