Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
