I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
