so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
