so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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