Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
