Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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