She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
