my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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