You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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