Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
