I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I believe in your delicious
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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