I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
