just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I party with great urgency now.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
