I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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