I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Randomize
