I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
