How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Randomize
