So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
