I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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