It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
This house was built for laser tag.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Randomize
