Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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