drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
