i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
How does one acquire holy water?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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