Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
