A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
