I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Randomize
