Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
