Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
