we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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