I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
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