I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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