Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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