After last night, I could never be a politician.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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