I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
