she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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