I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I feel like death gave me a hand job
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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