My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
