Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Randomize
