I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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