Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
