Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
