and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
