I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
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he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
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i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset