My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
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You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
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Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?