he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?