Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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