I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
