Swine flu. Run for my life!
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
