loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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