I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
