I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
