Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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