I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Randomize
