i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
farters have to be the big spoon...
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
